Learning to Be Parented

A conversation online with some single parent friends and a visit from a friend this week got me thinking.  Online, I communicate with other single mothers by choice and we are arranging a holiday get together where everyone will meet Grace for the first time.  They have all offered to "hold" her at the party to give me a break and be able to chat.  As well, I had a visit from a friend this week and while we were chatting in the living room Grace played around us, pulling herself up, holding onto the coffee table, etc.  She lost her balance and fell, bumping, but not really hurting her head on the couch.  Grace sort of looked stunned and was not sure whether she wanted to cry or not, and my friend, a dear one, distracted Grace by smiling and turning it into a game/ fun thing, something you might naturally do with a toddler who has been born to you.  It got me thinking though that I could write about some of the things I've learned about parenting a child who is new to being parented.  I don't mean this post to sound preachy or know-it-all and I have no criticism at all for any of my generous friends' offers and advice, but there are some definite differences between parenting a baby who has been born and bonded with you since birth and one that is just now forming attachment at 14 months old.  I have had advice about everything from let her "cry it out" to put in ear plugs and go to bed, to have her sleep with me in my bed to just put her down on the floor and let her be.  I have had generous and kind hearted friends offer to take Grace for a while so that I can get things done or have a break, etc.  You have no idea how much I appreciate that offer and will eventually take you up on it so please keep asking.  Right now, my parents are the only ones she feels truly comfortable with away from me.  It may seem right now to some that I am "spoiling" my child.  I attend to her every need and want as best I can.  I go into her room at night every time she wakes up and yes, sometimes she sleeps with me in my bed.  I pick up and hold her A LOT and appreciate when others don't insist on holding her because she is still too anxious to go to them.  However, Grace is learning every day that I will be there for her, that I will always try to make her feel better and satisfy her hunger or soothe her pain or thirst or whatever it is she needs at that moment.  It may seem like I "over-react" to her bumps or cries, soothing her with hugs and cuddles when a simple pat on the head will do but children who have grown up without a constant caregiver have learned not to cry when they get hurt, not to look for soothing from anyone and I need to teach her to look to me for those things, and right now that means every time they happen, no matter how minor.  So yes, I'm still exhausted from going into her room several times a night, from carrying her everywhere and playing with her instead of cleaning the house or relaxing, but I constantly try to remember this time is about her, not me.  I'm not always successful at remembering this, sometimes I feel selfish, sometimes I even break down and cry because it's just so darn hard, but I carry on because I know she needs to see me as her one and only caregiver right now.  Like I said, I will definitely take up people on their offers of a break, so thank you for being patient with Grace as she explores what it means to be a daughter to someone and to have a mother who is always there for her.  She may still need some time to develop the confidence she needs to go to others but it will happen, I am sure of it.